Uplifted!

After my post yesterday,I was nervous,nervous I had shared too much..but I found also that a load had been lifted by just writing it down. I also talked to my sister Clarissa today. She was so encouraging. We may travel diffrent roads but we all have our struggles in life...and we are here for each other,to lift up one another...God is always good and HIS will is the best! By talking to her I was able to see that no matter what I have been through or will go through,God is with me..guiding me...this is a season of my life..I will be ok and things will look up! All I need to do is TRUST Him and LET GO! Thank you Clarissa for listening and talking....I am very blessed with such loving,caring sisters!

where my thoughts have been...

8 years ago I was first pregnant with my 5th child. It would be our biggest break between kids. My mom was fighting brain and breast cancer and so Leon and I had decided to take a break to help out with my mom where ever we could. Our only son was 2 1/2 years old and the 3 older girls were 7,5 and 4 years old. All of my pregnancies had been hard but we had no idea how hard this one was going to be. Within one week of finding out I was pregnant we were already going into the IV Therapy to get fluids. By 9 weeks I was in the hospital for a 3 day stay and had TPN( IV Feedings) placed. I felt so alone.So sad.So scared.So lonesome for my kids and Leon. I slept with my Bible and prayed! During those many months of being so sick I struggled spiritaully, I couldn't feel God with me...My mom told me He was carrying me. I asked God to help me get through this,I also asked that He would never make my kids or husband go through something like that again. At around 6 months pregnant ,my thoughts(and Leon's) turned to being done having kids. We prayed and prayed. I had peace. Once Liberty was born we were done. The first 3 years went good. My mom passed away when Liberty(our yougest) was 3. The next 2 years went ok. Then I started having a strong desire to have another baby. I pushed it off over and over again. It came in waves,somedays being better(accepting it) others it was hard. I have asked God to remove my desire to have more babies....so far He has not. My thoughts always were..We could adopt. The last many months,it has been on the for front of my mind. I try push it off..try accepting I am done. It has been a huge struggle for me. I am so thankful for my 5 blessings!! I am beginning to think this is something I will battle for a long time..maybe always. The doors have not been opened for adoption..sometimes it looks like they are but then they are closed. Just before my mom passed away we started looking into Foster adopt..then mom passed away..it got pushed off...recentally ,we heard of a mother who may want to give her baby up for adoption and she would consider us for the parents. She changed her mind and decided to keep the baby. I am happy for her. God knows best! I want to bring glory to God in all I do...I want to accept my life as it is...I want to be happy....I know I have MUCH to be thankful for....I am tired of longing for something I can't have..I know there are worse things in life....but it has been hard. Prayers for me would be nice:) ....When I asked God to not put my kids and husband through something like that again...I had no idea what it would mean down the road..how hard it would be...so this is where my thoughts have been....